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It Takes a Village
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| Wednesday, January 27th, 2010 | | CWK Producer |
“If somebody corrects you or your child's behavior—the implication is that you are a bad parent.”
– Holly Baird, Mother
Is it appropriate to discipline someone else's children who are behaving badly? Some people today say no, that's a job reserved for the child's parent. But, there can be problems when parents are the only ones insisting on good behavior.
If you see a child misbehave and there's no parent around, do you say something?
"I wouldn't if it wasn't affecting my child," says Holly Baird, who has a three-year-old daughter. "I don't think it's my business to discipline somebody else's child."
Some parents say it's an insult to have a stranger correct your kids.
"It's just the parent's responsibility to discipline their own child," says Leslie Tarab, mother of two-year-old Michael.
"If somebody corrects you or your child's behavior—the implication is that you are a bad parent," agrees Baird.
But if it takes a village to raise a child, what happens if the village never speaks-up?
Some parents say kids will get the wrong message.
"'Mommy is not around - I can do what I want,'" says Baird.
But if kids are surrounded by adults who insist on good behavior, experts says the result, years later, will be kids who say no to drugs, alcohol, and sex.
"The bigger the circle, the healthier the child," says licensed professional counselor Nadim Ali. "The smaller the circle, the more chances we take."
He says parents should invite adults they trust to discipline their kids.
"If somebody's watching our child," says Ali, "or our child is going over to a house for an overnight, you let them know, 'You have parental rights over this child.' You deputize these parents, and so I think it's important that's communicated. And so they can feel, if he gives his children time-outs, 'Hey, you get a time-out as well.'"
And, if you see a child who needs discipline, he says to give advice, but gently.
"Some children will respond to a kind stranger," says Ali, "more so than a parent who may be lecturing or sermonizing to them. So then as soon as possible, get the child to the parent and explain to them what was going on."
Finally, experts say, if a stranger corrects your child, try not to take offense.
"It's mortifying," says mother Julie Smith, "but at the same time I think part of the reason that it is mortifying is you know they are right."
Like the rest of us, pediatricians vary widely on whether or not spanking should be used in the home. It is a complicated issue. The American Academy of Pediatrics says most pediatricians cannot choose a simple "for" or "against" position.
In one survey of pediatricians:
- 53% say they are generally opposed to the use of corporal punishment by parents, although they believe an occasional spanking under certain circumstances can be an effective form of discipline.
- 31% are completely opposed to spanking by parents under any circumstances.
- 14% say they support, in principle, the limited use of corporal punishment by parents.
- 1.5% are unsure regarding their stance on the use of corporal punishment.
Many doctors counsel parents to limit or eliminate the use of corporal punishment:
- 49% discourage spanking under any circumstance.
- 42% report they recommend corporal punishment be used only under limited circumstances and/or with specific conditions or rules.
- 9% of pediatricians make no recommendations regarding corporal punishment.
Of the pediatricians surveyed, only 35% say they personally use spanking as one form of discipline with their own children.
Tips for Parents
The AAP also offers these guidelines parents can follow for "effective discipline":
- Provide a positive, supportive and loving relationship.
- Use positive reinforcement.
- When punishment is necessary, use time-outs and other alternatives to spanking or physical punishment.
The AAP says spanking has "negative consequences and is no more effective than other forms of discipline." Time-outs and other nonphysical forms of discipline are effective because children learn the consequences of breaking rules. Address bad behavior in older children by removing valued privileges temporarily. Remember:
- Keep the rules simple
- After you set the rules, be consistent and enforce them.
- Be a good role model because children learn by tour example.
- Show that you can deal with frustration and anger without resorting to violence.
- Use time-outs so a child can learn the consequences of misbehavior. Emphasize rewards for good behavior instead of always punishing a child for bad behavior.
References
- American Academy of Pediatrics
- Family Research Laboratory of the University of New Hampshire
- The Gurian Institute, Colorado Springs
- Nadim Ali, Licensed Professional Counselor
- Parenthood in America
- University of Michigan
