"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire." - W.B. Yeats  

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

| CWK Producer

If Santa's list of who's been naughty or nice is accurate, a lot of young people will be getting a lump of coal this Christmas. A new study by the Associated Press and MTV reports that half of all 14 to 24 year olds have been bullied by someone using either a cell phone or a computer.

Fourteen-year-old Tricia knows what it feels like to get bullied over the internet.

"I went to check my e-mail and found that I had 300 e-mails saying that I was a whore and everything," she says, "It was scary for a while, because if a lot of people did think that about me I was like 'oh my gosh'."

According to a new survey of over 1,200 14 to 24 year olds by the Associated Press and MTV, 50 percent have been harassed online or by text messages.

For this story, a random group of middle school kids were asked how many of them had said mean things about someone else online, and almost all of them raised their hand.

"I have to admit I have said some mean things about people online. It's really tempting but it's completely wrong," says 14-year-old Annellise.

It's tempting, experts say, because teens have a strong desire to fit in,

So ganging up in a chat room, explains clinical psychologist Joanne Max, "becomes a way that they can feel that sense of social connectedness and acceptance, by jumping on the bandwagon."

And because the bullying happens in cyberspace, they don't see the pain they cause. "They don't necessarily think about the impact of what they're doing and saying on the victim," says Dr. Max.

"It's still with me, when I get online, I always think about it," says Tricia.

"And the cyber bullying doesn't stop. It often grows and one comment leads to another and you don't know when it's going to come back," says Dr. Max.

She says the way to prevent bullying both on the playground and online is a lesson that's not easy to teach but it's crucial. It's called empathy.

"Teaching them to think about how they would feel," explains Dr. Max, "What if the tables were turned, what if they were the one being bad-mouthed and nasty emails were going out or rumors or I-M's going off on everybody's cell phones... if it was about you and it was unkind and untrue. What would that feel like for you?"

What We Need To Know

Because bullying – including online bullying – can be such an emotional issue, experts say it is extremely important to open the lines of communication with your kids. This can include ...

• Starting to talk with them early.
• Initiating conversations.
• Creating an open environment.
• Communicating your values.
• Listening to your child.
• Trying to be honest.
• Being patient.
• Sharing your experiences.

Also, watch for behavioral changes. Children who are suffering from teasing and bullying may try to hide the hurt. They become withdrawn from family and friends, lose interest in hobbies, and may turn to destructive habits like alcohol, drugs, and acts of violence.

While bullying, harassment and teasing are unfortunate aspects of childhood, you can help minimize these occurrences by raising non-violent children. The American Academy of Pediatrics cites the following tips for curbing hurtful behavior in your child:

• Give your child consistent love and attention. Every child needs a strong, loving relationship with a parent or other adult to feel safe and secure and to develop a sense of trust. Without a steady bond to a caring adult, a child is at risk for becoming hostile, difficult and hard to manage.
• Make sure your child is supervised. A child depends on his or her parents and family members for encouragement, protection and support as he or she learns to think for himself or herself. Without proper supervision, your child will not receive the guidance he or she needs. Studies report that unsupervised children often have behavior problems.
• Monitor your child's Internet use. If your child knows you are watching, he/she is less likely to take part in cyber-bullying. Also, encourage him/her to avoid using chatrooms with violent or derogatory conversations.
• Show your child appropriate behaviors by the way you act. Children often learn by example. The behavior, values and attitudes of parents and siblings have a strong influence on them. Be firm with your child about the possible dangers of violent behavior and language. Also, remember to praise your child when he or she solves problems constructively without violence.
• Be consistent about rules and discipline. When you make a rule, stick to it. Your child needs structure with clear expectations for his or her behavior. Setting rules and then not enforcing them is confusing and sets up your child to "see what he or she can get away with."
• Try to keep your child from seeing violence in the home or community. Violence in the home can be frightening and harmful to children. A child who has seen violence at home does not always become violent, but he or she may be more likely to try to resolve conflicts with violence.
• Try to keep your child from seeing too much violence in the media. Watching a lot of violence on television, in the movies and in video games can lead children to behave aggressively. As a parent, you can control the amount of violence your child sees in the media by limiting television viewing and previewing games, movies, etc., before allowing access to them by your child.
• Help your child stand up against violence. Support your child in standing up against violence. Teach him or her to respond with calm but firm words when others insult or threaten another person. Help your child understand that it takes more courage and leadership to resist violence than to go along with it.

Resources

• Kaiser Family Foundation
• Talking With Your Kids
• British Medical Journal
• American Academy of Pediatrics

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