"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire." - W.B. Yeats  

Wednesday, January 14th, 2009

| CWK Producer

Even when their relationship has turned bad, some parents may believe it’s important to stay married for the sake of the children. But one study suggests they may be doing more harm than good.

Petra Ehlert was 11 when her parents’ relationship seemed to fall apart.

“It went from normal, small arguments … to chaos,” says Petra, now 17.

And that went on for a year, until the divorce was final.

“I felt as if I couldn’t really escape from it besides to withdraw,” she says.

Studies have often shown divorce can be damaging to a child’s mental health.

“For some children, it makes them anxious,” says psychologist Betsy Gard, Ph.D. “For some children, it makes them depressed. For some children, it makes them withdrawn. For some children, they act out. … They get angry in response and they will be much more defiant.”

But a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found divorce isn’t as harmful to a child as a marriage full of fighting.

“It wasn’t really so much the divorce,” says Petra. “It was the arguing and more than the arguing, it was the mental games.”

“So I think if you compare divorce as the event versus conflict as the key factor, you’re going to see that conflict is what is the problem for children,” says Gard. “Being in families where there’s [high conflict] where it goes on and on, that’s very detrimental for children.”

The key to helping your child, she says, is to stop the fighting. Either through counseling, or if need be, divorce.

“That is better for children than being in a high conflict situation that goes on and on and on. Yes, that’s true,” says Gard.

Five years since her parents divorced, Petra now does her best to put a good light on that year of misery.

“To me it was almost a good thing, because it allowed me to mature a whole lot in a year,” she says. “And it allowed me, like, forced me, to grow up really fast mentally.”

What We Need To Know

According to The State of Our Unions 2007, a report issued by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, nearly one million children are affected by their parents divorce every year. Many divorced parents are able to reach amicable custody agreements. Unfortunately, not all divorces and custody litigation goes smoothly.  All too often children are inappropriately brought into the battle by one or both parents.  An extreme example of such a situation is called Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS.

Parental Alienation Syndrome was first described in l985 by psychiatrist Richard Gardner.  He defines PAS as:

A disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification.  It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent’s indoctrinations and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the target parent.

PAS is not simply brainwashing by one parent.  The child has to actually participate in putting down and finding fault with the alienated parent. Important points to note:

• The child will feel animosity toward the alienated parent, without justification.  In PAS, there is no true parental abuse and/or neglect on the part of the alienated parent.  If this were the case, the child’s animosity would be justified.
• It is not PAS if the child still has a positive relationship with the parent, even though one parent is attempting to alienate the child from him or her.

A child caught in PAS may experience severe emotional problems.  If the alienation is allowed to continue, the child will become estranged from the alienated parent.  The relationship with this parent will eventually be severed.  The child’s primary role model then becomes the dysfunctional parent who initiated the alienation.

Children and parents feel some degree of alienation after a divorce.  Whether the alienation subsides after a period of adjustment or escalates into PAS depends on many complex emotional and psychological factors. 

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) says that during the difficult period of divorce, parents may be preoccupied with their own problems, but continue to be the most important people in their children’s lives.  Children will do best if they know their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won’t live together.  The AACAP says that research shows that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the child.

Listed below are recommendations from the book by psychologists Dr. Rex Forehand and Dr. Nicholas Long Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjustfor divorced and/or divorcing parents, which could help minimize the negative effects of divorce on their children.

• Subject children to as few changes as possible as a result of the divorce.  For example, try to have the children attend the same school; continue to live in the same home, etc.
• Don’t argue or fight with your ex-spouse in the children’s presence.  The amount of parental conflict that the children witness following divorce is directly related to their level of adjustment.
• Consistent discipline is very important.  Both parents should use similar, age-appropriate discipline techniques with their children.
• Don’t use children as messengers in parental communications.  Children should never be asked to communicate messages such as, “Tell your dad that he is late with the child support payment.”  Children should not be involved in such issues.
• Don’t use children as spies.
• Don’t use children as allies in parental battles.
• Don’t put down the other parent in front of the children.  Remember that your ex-spouse is still your children’s parent.
• Don’t burden children with personal fears and concerns.
• It is usually in the children’s best interest to have a consistent pattern of frequent visits with the non-custodial parent.
• If major problems develop for children and/or parents, seek professional assistance.

Resources

• American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
• Center for Effective Parenting
• Luton First
• McGill University
• National Marriage Project, Rutgers University

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