Wednesday, January 30th, 2008

Emily Halevy | CWK Producer

While parents and school systems debate whether children should learn about human sexuality in school or at home, kids are finding out about sex from another source: the Internet. Some experts state that it is harmful, even dangerous, for young people.

The first time Joshua Kloyda saw online pornography, he was on the computer in his own bedroom. He was 12. Today he describes what happened in words usually reserved for addictive drugs, such as crack cocaine.

“Like, I’m not going to do it that much, I’m not going to do it that much, and then it builds up and it builds up, and it just becomes more and more and more until it’s a whole lifestyle,” says Joshua.

A Brigham Young University survey of more than 800 students found that 86 percent of young men say they’ve watched pornography in the last year, and one in five say they look at it every day. How do these images harm a young person?

“If they spend a lot of time with a particular thing, the brain literally seems to develop a neurological pathway that becomes like an addiction. So then in their adult life, if they’re wanting to get turned on, they know right where to go, the brain knows exactly what kind of images to pull up,” says Paul Schenk, Psy.D., clinical psychologist.

Kloyda says that’s exactly what happened when he was out with a girl.

 “When I would look at them, it would flash back to what I saw on the computer; [my brain] would flash back to those things. And it was just totally defiling them,” says Kloyda.

And that harm can last for years. 

“I work with guys who are in their late 20s, and you know they were on the computer looking at porn in their late teens while their friends were out there dating and building relationships and really kind of struggling with sexuality with other people – they never really learned about that. And so now they're older, but they’re lacking the skills and also the confidence to build relationships that might involve sexuality,” says Rob Weiss, LCSW, CAS, executive director of the Sexual Recovery Institute.

Now in recovery, Kloyda hasn’t looked at pornography for 11 months but, he says, it changed him.

“Porn ruined all my relationships. I never had a relationship -- I never had a solid one because all I wanted was the physical. All I wanted was ‘let’s see how fast I can get you undressed,’” says Kloyda.

Tips for Parents

• Many parents may suspect their children of being addicted to pornography, but may not be sure of the warning signs. Victor Cline, Ph.D., an expert on pornography and its effects, encourages parents to be on the lookout for the following symptoms of sexual addiction:
  • A pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior
  • Experiencing severe consequences due to sexual behavior, and an inability to stop despite these adverse consequences
  • Persistent pursuit of self-destructive behavior
  • Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior
  • Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy
  • Regularly increasing the amount of sexual experiences because the current level of activity is no longer satisfying
  • Severe mood changes related to sexual activity
  • Inordinate amounts of time spent obtaining sex, being sexual and/or recovering from sexual experiences
  • Neglect of important social, occupational or recreational activities because of sexual behavior
• If you discover your child viewing pornography or you know it is a problem in his (or her) life, reassure him.  Let your child know that while you don’t agree with the use of pornography, you still love him and expect him to do better.  Rob Jackson, a professional counselor specializing in sexual addiction and codependency, suggests taking a four-area approach to prevent the possibility of your child using pornography in the future.
  • Behavioral. Behavioral approaches attempt to prevent a scenario from developing in the first place. The house, for example, should be purged of all pornography. Media should be carefully screened for “triggers” that serve as gateways to acting-out. If the problem occurred with the Internet, a filter can be one of your strategies, although it can never replace parental supervision and involvement. Other common-sense approaches include moving the computer to the family room where others can easily view the screen, limiting the time on the computer and making sure no one is alone on the Internet, and developing a mission statement that directs the family’s use of the computer and the Internet.
  • Cognitive. Pornography generates destructive myths about sexuality. Once your child is exposed, it will be critically important to initiate a comprehensive sex education program, if you have not already done so. The child will need to learn what and how to think about sexuality. More than mere behaviors, parents will want to communicate the core values of sexuality, the multifaceted risks of sex outside of marriage, and their ongoing compassion for what it must be like to grow up in this culture.
  • Emotive. Sex is inherently emotional. Premarital sex has even been linked with codependency, where at least one person becomes compelled or addicted to be in relationship with another. The youth culture would lead you to believe that sex is not necessarily emotional for them – don’t believe it. Sexual relations of any type bond the bodies, minds and spirits of two individuals. At the conscious level, this attachment is largely emotional. Your children need to understand that emotional attachment is often involuntary, especially when the relationship has been compromised sexually.
  • Spiritual. At its core, sexual integrity comes down to a spiritual commitment. Share your beliefs with your children, and explain to them the reasons to avoid the trappings of pornography. A strong spiritual foundation can be the best prevention method against pornography.

References

• Victor Cline, Ph.D
• Rob Jackson, a professional counselor specializing in sexual addiction and codependency
• Sexual Recovery Institute

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