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Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008

Emily Halevy | CWK Producer

Almost a million children each year see their parents’ marriage end in divorce. Typically, dads will earnestly say to themselves, despite the divorce, “nothing will come between my children and me.”  But according to a new study, many of those fathers are wrong.

Jennifer says she was almost glad when her bickering parents finally decided to divorce.

“I didn’t want to hear anymore, I didn’t want to be in the middle,” says Jennifer, 17.

After the divorce, she lived with her mom -- hundreds of miles away from her dad, who she rarely saw.

“I mean it was just bad … everything was bad. We didn’t have a relationship,” says Jennifer.

According to a study in the journal, Marriage and Family, the physical distance between a child and father can create an emotional distance as well. In the study, 57 percent of the children said they were close to their father; that number dropped to 25 percent after the divorce.

“The ability to be involved in your child’s life in an ongoing way, week to week, is going to be much more limited, and that’s going to impact your child,” Betsy Gard, Ph.D., licensed psychologist.

It’s not easy, experts say, and it takes work. But when a marriage ends, there are ways for dads to stay close to their children.

“I would tell that dad that he needs to cut back on work and be more involved in the child’s activities.  Especially with teenagers; they’re not going to be around for very much longer and it’s very important that [fathers] provide, that they show interest in the kids,” says Carol Drummond, Ph.D., clinical psychologist.

Jennifer’s mom realized that her daughter and her ex-husband were growing apart.

“I said, ‘You really miss him, don’t you?’ And she was like, ‘Yeah.’ And I said, ‘You’d really like to be back there, wouldn’t you?’ [She nodded her head],” says Debra, Jennifer’s mother.

Now mother, daughter and dad all live in the same city.

Tips for Parents

• Both parents should work to maintain a positive relationship with their child. This serves as a buffer against the stresses of divorce, and assures the child of the parents’ continued love. (Dr. Rex Forehand, Institute of Behavioral Research at the University of Georgia)
• Parents should limit the number of environmental and structural changes for the child to as few as possible (e.g. have the child attend the same school, continue to live in the same home, etc.). It is particularly important to maintain consistency regarding the child’s standard of living. For this reason, regular child support payments are often critical. (Dr. Rex Forehand)
• Ex-spouses should not argue or fight in the child’s presence. This is perhaps the most important issue related to a child’s adjustment following parental divorce. The amount of parental conflict that the child sees (e.g. regarding visitation, custody, child support, etc.) is directly related to their level of adjustment. (Dr. Rex Forehand)
• Consistent discipline is very important. Both parents should use similar age-appropriate discipline techniques with their children. Limits on what is and is not acceptable behavior for their children should also be consistent between the two homes. (Dr. Rex Forehand)
• The child should not be burdened with the parents’ personal fears and concerns. Unfortunately, many divorced parents turn to their children for support. This almost always has a negative impact on children and adolescents because they are rarely capable of handling such stress. Children have enough difficulty with their own adjustment without the added burden of their parents’ problems. (Dr. Rex Forehand)

References

• Dr. Rex Forehand, Institute of Behavioral Research at the University of Georgia

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