 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Helping Your Child Deal with Exclusion
Related Product
If you are interested in this story, you may also be interested in these parent videos:This Week's Top Stories
Most Popular Stories
| Wednesday, February 7th, 2007 | Emily Halevy | CWK Producer |
“It’s more a matter of acknowledging that cliques have existed for thousands of years, they will continue to exist and it’s a question of how do you work with that reality, rather than trying to stop that reality.”
– Paul Schenk, Psy.D., clinical psychologist
According to new research, our children are separating themselves into cliques at younger ages than ever before - in fact, as young as seven or eight years old.
That means some kids will fit in at school and some won’t. So what do you do if your child is excluded?
Stanzi’s mom never looked at school as a popularity contest.
“You know, if she’s not a part of a clique that’s fine with me,” says Judith Sanders. “However, you know, I did want people to be just… basically friendly and have good manners and courtesy,”
But they didn’t – and Stanzi was harassed and excluded.
It started with just a few kids, but then spread throughout her elementary school.
“I tried to ignore it and tried to play with the other kids, but they wouldn’t let me in, so I had to find something to do on my own.” Stanzi remembers. “I felt lonely.”
Experts say being an outsider is painful. But nonetheless, cliques are inevitable.
“It’s like rowing upstream and wanting the current to go the other way,” explains Dr. Paul Schenk, a clinical psychologist. “I think it’s more a matter of acknowledging that cliques have existed for thousands of years, they will continue to exist and it’s a question of how do you work with that reality, rather than trying to stop that reality.”
He says one way to help your children cope is to teach them how to compliment others.
“Teach them the skills on how to enhance how others are feeling and by definition, others are going to want to be around you more,” he says, “because it’s fun to be around people who help build up how you feel about yourself. And it role models for other how you’d like them to behave toward you.”
Another way, he says, is to help them find friends who have the same interests - have them join the band, the chess club, or a sports team.
“Recognize that belonging can take many forms. And there are a number of places and ways kids can have a sense of belonging.”
Finally, after four years of harassment, Stanzi’s mom transferred her to a different school. “I think just starting over at someplace where she didn’t have the reputation of a kid who has been picked on has made a big difference,” she says.
Stanzi agrees: “It made a big difference for the better. I had a fresh start. Now some people are actually trying to get me to believe I’m one of the popular kids - which has never happened before in my life.”
What We Need To Know
- Don’t let your anxiety show. If a parent is feeling hopeless, chances are that feeling will rub off on their son or daughter. (Paul Schenk, Psy.D., clinical psychologist)
- Parents tend to get nervous, intervene too quickly, and assume the worst. If your child is feeling excluded be available to talk and offer support, but wait three or four days for the kids to work it through themselves. (Peter Adler, sociologist)
- If your child is being threatened or bullied, however, don’t wait for things to get out of hand. At that point it’s worth talking to teachers and school officials to make sure everyone is safe. (Peter Adler, sociologist)
- Remind your children of all they have accomplished - riding a bike, learning to read, and explain that learning how to get along with others is just another kind of skill that takes some practice to learn. (Paul Schenk, Psy.D., clinical psychologist)
- Remind your children, also, that we all have bad days that we’d like to forget about. Instead of harping on what went wrong, use those as opportunities for coming up with new strategies on how to be assertive and courageous. (Paul Schenk, Psy.D., clinical psychologist)
Resources
- “Peer Power: Preadolescent Culture and Identity,” Patricia and Peter Adler
- Georgia Psychological Association
