Teen Grief
He was 16 years-old. He was a true friend. He was the class clown. When Mike and two buddies were clowning around with a gun, an accidental slip of the trigger turned those smiles to tears.
The loss of friends has become all to familiar in teenage circles, and many kids are learning the hard lessons of grief at an early age.
“It just took a piece of my heart that one of my friends has gone and that I still can’t believe that it happened to, like me,” said Paul, 16.
Shocked by mortality and coping with what is likely their first traumatic loss, many kids find solace in a friend rather than a parent.
“My parents...I didn’t really talk to them a lot about it because they didn’t know him like I did. They knew him from a parent perspective, but they were always there if I need to cry or something,” said Katie, 16.
Experts say that parents should allow their kids some extra time with friends and reassure them, without prying, that they are there for them. Given ample space to grieve with friends, they will eventually come back to parents for security and support.
What Parents Should Know
Everyone is different. Grieving is no exception to that age-old thought. If a child grieves in a way differently from his or her parents or seemingly not at all, parents often become concerned. The parents may want to push a child to deal with the issue, but it is critical that the child grieve in way best suited for him.
With intent to help, parents will often pressure a child to talk about a traumatic event, to go to the funeral or to look through pictures of the deceased. During the first few weeks a parent should let the child navigate his or her own method of grieving. Parents can ask the child if he or she would like to discuss the matter, but should not press if the child resists, Dr. Batkins recommended.
It can get even more confusing if the child seems distraught one minute and playful the very next. This is normal, Dr. Batkins said. A parent having difficulty handling this may benefit from talking with a counselor to better understand why their child is acting a certain way. Dr. Batkins said that allowing the child to use an individual grieving pace is imperative, but an excelerated anxiety level apparent for more than a month is reason for concern. At this point, the parent may want to consider psychotherapy for the child.
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“It just took a piece of my heart that one of my friends has gone and that I still can’t believe that it happened to like me.” --Paul, age 16 |
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A child under the age of seven will not likely understand the permanence of death. As the brain develops concrete operational skills, usually around age eight, a child begins to understand death. While an eight-year-old will likely grasp the permanence of death, they will only probably attribute it to injury or illness, rather than biological factors. Abstract reasoning develops during adolescence. It is at this point that a child comprehends concepts of death, which will catalyze more in- depth theological and conceptual thought. |
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Denial, anger, bargaining for time, grieving and acceptance are the five stages of grief described by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She is distinguished in the psychiatric community for her research on the topics of death, dying and grief. A grieving person can experience all of these, some of these, or none of these phases. The order and duration of the stages is also a very individual process. There is no regimented manner in which people handle trauma. Many people drift from stage to stage immediately after the loss, hopefully coming to terms with acceptance. During and after the acceptance stage many are able to honor the person’s death in a positive manner. |
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Resources
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Walker, C. & Roberts, M.,(Ed.). Handbook of Clinical Child Psychology. (Second Edition) |
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