The Good Lie
We teach kids early in elementary school not to lie, but almost all kids do it anyway. “Sometimes you just have to lie to make the story sound right,” according to fifteen year old Inda.
Like it or not by the age of seven most kids have learned how to craft a lie. While parents are right to be concerned about a child that lies a lot, surprisingly, some experts say they should be equally concerned about a child who never lies. “Lying is an indication that they have some sense of what the consequences might be and some social tact, so it’s not always a negative thing,” says psychologist Mark Edwards.
But that does not mean that parents should go lightly when they catch their kids in a lie. And, like all things, the circumstances surrounding the lie should be considered carefully. However, when lying becomes habitual, parents should have extra concern no matter what the reason for the lie.
Edwards also notes that lying in combination with behaviors such as cheating and stealing is an indicator of more serious problems. In these situations a child is obviously experiencing some issues that require immediate intervention, and possibly even professional consultation.
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“Sometimes you just have to lie to make the story sound right.” --Inda, age 15 |
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Children will engage in lying for many reasons. They may lie to avoid getting in trouble after doing something wrong. Others may lie and tell elaborate stories because of the attention they receive. Frequent lying will continue on into adulthood if it is not dealt with at a young age. Children should be taught the importance of telling the truth and that it is not right to use lies as a coping mechanism. |
Pathological Lying
Dr. William Healy, Director of the Psychopathic Institute in Chicago gives the following definition for pathological lying in his report “Pathology, Lying, Accusation and Swindling: A Study in Forensic Psychology”.
Falsification entirely disproportionate to any discernible end in view, engaged in by a person who, at the time of observation, cannot definitely be declared insane, feebleminded, or epileptic. Such lying rarely, if ever, centers about a single event; although exhibited in very occasional cases for a short time, it manifests itself most frequently by far over a period of years, or even a life time. It represents a trait rather than an episode. Extensive, very complicated fabrications may be evolved.
What Parents Should Know
When children are very young it’s not too difficult to tell the difference between their lying and their fantasizing. Small kids generally don’t know how to distinguish reality from make believe and often tell stories and create friends. By age six though, a child should know truth from fantasy.
If an older child lies it is normally because he or she is trying to avoid something. There may be fear of punishment for doing something wrong, or feelings of guilt about not meeting expectations. Most people view lying as negative, but in instances such as these there is a positive component as well, because it shows awareness of right and wrong.
When a child lies parents need to address it immediately by acknowledging awareness of the lie. There should then be some discussion about why the lie occurred, and a look at other ways to respond in a more positive manner. It’s important not to overreact when a child lies because this may validate the child’s fears and make the problem worse. And because habits are developed by watching parents, it’s important for them to practice what they preach.
(Note: Caring for Your School-Age Child: 5-12) used as a resource.)
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Resources
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Facts for
Families “Children and Lying”, American Academy of Child and
Adolescent Psychiatry; Send requests to: Public Information P.O.
Box 96106 Washington, DC 20090-6106 |
For
more information on parenting issues contact us: Connecting with Kids |