Making the Clique
Ask seventh graders what is most important to them and they will most likely answer “being popular.” During pre-adolescence, kids begin to look for identity in groups and belonging is often the primary goal of the middle school years.
The pre-occupation with fitting in can be so strong in the middle school years that grades begin to drop while cliques begin to form. Kids begin to take on the personality of their group. “The rules are, you have to stick with one group,” explains 14-year-old Ricky. Branching out can even mean losing popularity in your own group. “If you’re, like, with the most popular people and you’re talking to the no-names they just, like, the popular people take you out,” explains Josh, age 15.
Once a child is ridiculed or outcast, it can be very difficult to change the label. Research shows kids who are rejected in middle school are more likely to become aggressive and engage in high risk behaviors.
Child psychologist, Kenneth Hoats says parents of popular kids often make the problem worse by pushing popularity when they should encourage inclusiveness. “If you have an elitist attitude, you’re gonna raise an elitist kid,” says Hoats.
What Parents Should Know
* For those parents whose kids don’ t fall into the most popular cliques, experts advise parents to find out what interests your child. Encourage them to join a club or group at school that they enjoy. Then, they may not feel out of sync with their cliquish classmates.
* When your child confides in you that ‘nobody likes them,’ take it seriously. It’s often difficult and embarrassing for a child to admit being unpopular so it’s important that parents are available to listen.
* Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings. Children need a safe place to discuss how they feel. By listening and respecting a child’s confidence, a parent teaches a child to show respect to his or her peers.
* If a child is experiencing threatening or harmful behavior from other kids at school, ask for a teacher’s or counselor’s help. Make sure an adult at school can be an ally for your child.
* Don’t blame kids. Remember kids who feel unpopular are already emotionally vulnerable. They need attention and acceptance rather than disapproval. It is important that they find a friend in their parent.
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The rules are you have to stick with one clique. --Ricky, age 14 |
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Making the Grade The American Psychological Association reports that kids often suffer academically during the middle school years. University of Michigan studies show kids’ grades drop dramatically during the first year of middle school compared to elementary school. Kids in junior high also become less interested in school and less self confident about their academic abilities. Body
Image Acne, braces, growth spurts, and puberty can make the struggle to fit in even more difficult. It is during middle school that girls often go through their “awkward stage” maturing on average two years faster than boys and often towering over their male classmates. Studies show that girls are more likely to suffer long term problems from a poor body image developed during the middle school years; but, boys agonize over their body image worrying about who is taller, more muscular, and often compare themselves to others. Parents should be patient, and reassuring. Don’t tease a child even in a joking manner during this sensitive time. |
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Resources
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"Why Doesn’t Anybody Like Me,” by Hara Estroff Marano. The
American Psychological Association at |
For
more information on parenting issues contact us: Connecting with Kids |