The Mommy Wars - Connecting with Kids

The Mommy Wars

To work or not to work, every mom has an opinion. Stay-at-home moms and their working counterparts square off to defend their decisions at playgrounds, cocktail parties, and school plays.

In the contest between aprons and high heels, the victor has the most well adjusted child. Who will prevail? New studies suggest neither side has an advantage. At the finish line, it’s a tie.

An eight year study out of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst found there is no difference between children whose mothers were employed and those whose mothers were not employed during the first three years of the kids lives. The study included more than 6000 children of all races between the ages of three and twelve. Researchers monitored the kids five different times throughout the study testing for mental development, achievement, behavior problems and self esteem.

The study suggests that neither at home moms nor working moms have an edge when it comes to the long-term adjustment or mal-adjustment of their children. Full-time career and full-time caregiver are both good choices if the mother has a quality relationship with her child.

Running on Empty

Both dual and single career families struggle with finding time to spend with kids. In one study, State of the Union: Motherhood, women surveyed report a general consensus that the job of mothering is more difficult today than it was twenty or thirty years ago.

Moms say time pressures and disciplinary challenges are the most difficult part of mothering. Mothers who work full-time are especially frazzled trying to balance being a mom with other aspects of their lives.

Still, seventy-one percent of all moms surveyed say they don’t have enough time for themselves and rank controlling outside influences such as television and peer pressure as one of their most difficult issues.

Time management experts say organization can help overcome some of the stress of today’s time tight families. Experts suggest laying out kids clothes in advance, cooking in large quantities on the weekend, and planning personal time after kids are in bed.

When dealing with issues like discipline, peer pressure and other outside influences, open parent-child communication is key.

“The time the child was in care was not a factor in whether the child developed a secure attachment to the mother. The most significant predictive thing was the mother’s sensitivity to that child.”

--Betty Caldwell, Ph.D., Child Psychologist

Mother and Child

The University of Massachusetts at Amherst study like many others reports that it’s the quality of the relationship between mother and child ultimately determines the child’s wellbeing. In Not Guilty! The Good News About Working Mothers, author Betty Holcomb reviews a half-century of studies demonstrating that whether a mom works outside the home is not a determining factor alone in a child’s well-being.

What Parents Should Know

The Kaiser Family Foundation reports that between the ages of ten and twelve kids name their parents as their primary source of guidance communicating most with mom. The following tips will help open lines of communication with kids and build a sensitive, loving foundation that lasts a lifetime:

Be accessible – kids often want to talk at strange or inopportune times. When possible, be ready to listen and explain.
Look for teachable moments – often opportunities for teaching present themselves at unexpected times.
Kids crave the good feelings that come from hugs, kisses and warm touches.

Resources
Let’s Connect: A Guide to Better Family Communications Lawrence Kutner www.philipsconsumer.com/letsconnect/	For more information on parenting issues contact us: Connecting with Kids