Birth Order

Pop psychology’s fascination with birth order is getting renewed attention across the nation with a new book on the subject on the best seller list. But many experts feel the confining stereotypes of the high achieving oldest child, the well-adjusted middle child and the playful and creative youngest child set kids up. Child Psychologist Dr. Laura Mee says even though birth order theories have been around for years, they can be a pitfall for kids. "When you label people, you sort of box them in," says Mee. "Especially when children are growing up."

Eighteen year-old B.J. is the oldest of three brothers. He struggles with fitting the mold as the oldest child. "I think a lot of people assume I’m supposed to be perfect," says B.J. The attitudes of his parent’s seems to follow along with birth order stereotypes. "Our first born is very assertive, always very concerned about being right," says mother Robin Johnson. "Our middle child is passive and always the peacemaker and our baby son is kind of the consummate negotiator and salesperson."

The danger of paying attention to stereotypes, even though they may ring true at times says Mee, is that expectations can ultimately harm kids. Mee says parents should do their best to counteract birth order assumptions. "It’s very important that you try to let children be more open," says Mee. "That you work with them on developing all kinds of different traits and that you don’t sort of narrow who they are by labeling them."

Mee says this can only work if parents start when kids are very young, before parents inadvertently enforce the stereotypes. "Their personalities were formed and they were already pretty well set in their values and ways of relating to people," says Mee.

What Parents Can Do:
Promote Family Unity

Discourage a family hierarchy. Encourage kids to find their own place in the family and to work out their family roles and relationships for themselves. Allow kids to work out problems among themselves.

Encourage unity. Teach kids what it means to be a family, how to learn from one another and how to depend on one another.

Celebrate differences. Treat each child as an individual and never draw comparisons between siblings. Younger children often struggle with feeling like they have to live up to expectations older siblings put in place.

Stay out of the middle. Allow your children to argue and disagree among themselves at home. They can build valuable communication skills through working out conflicts together in a safe environment. These skills will help them cope in the outside world and they will learn to stick up for themselves.

Resist birth order stereotypes. Many experts say that while many birth order stereotypes such as the first born child in the family being high achieving, the middle child turning out well-adjusted or the "baby" of the family being pampered by parents, do exist, parents should be careful not to parent with these pre-conceived notions in mind.