From Boys To Men:
The Middle Years

Boys continue to struggle as they leave the awkwardness of boyhood behind and enter into even more foreign territory- early manhood. As boys go one step further in their quest to be a "real man", they are surrounded by mixed messages. Family counselor Ken Hoats, says parents unknowingly enforce stereotypes that push boys further away. "I see many fathers that are very comfortable hugging and kissing their children, their sons, up until the age of about 11 or 12," says Hoats. "Then it turns to a handshake."

Boys feel this pressure among their friends as well. When boys reach the middle school years they enter into what experts call a "culture of cruelty" where they enforce male stereotypes on one another. "Guys will try to show that they are tougher than somebody else by pushing them around," says twelve year old Goeffrey. And when boys show emotions or act in a tender or compassionate way, there are consequences. "It’s sad that if a father hugs or kisses his son at 13, that in our culture we have such a homophobia," says Hoats. "That it is seen as strange."

But Goeffrey says that the fear of being thought of as gay among peers even for the slightest display of affection is real. Goeffrey says boys learn to have these attitudes. "They have that stuff in movies, like gay guys and how it’s made a mockery of and guys my age, including me, kind of just pick up on that stuff," says Goeffrey. "And adults do not realize that we pick up on it but we do."

Hoats says that parents of boys need to talk to their sons to find out their comfort zone concerning affection and what they need from their parents.

What Parents Can Do:
Raising The Middle School Boy

Send the message that it’s okay to nurture boys. Boys struggle with needing and wanting affection but their peers and society tell them they need to adopt a more "macho" attitude. Offer as much affection as your boy can comfortably handle.

Support boys who don’t fit the mold. Boys who exhibit traits such as being tender, compassionate or artistic often times are labeled as being gay by peers. Boys struggle with an intense case of homophobia during the years from 11 to 13.

Find positive ways for boys to blow off steam. Team sports are a great way for boys to be physically active and use their energy in positive ways.