Wealthy but Unhappy
It’s not that fame and fortune don’t make you happy; the news is actually worse than that. (Or, in this recession, is it better?) They make you unhappy.
Psychologists at the University of Rochester studied recent college grads over two years, trying to figure what made them happy. What worked wasn’t extrinsic things, a car, a big house, fancy clothes…but then most of us knew that. The joy just doesn’t last long enough, you always need newer and more. (Once you drive off the lot, it’s a used car.) Instead, the researchers find that contentment comes from that list we got from our wise mom or grandmother: good friends, good health, and personal growth.
I like that last one especially. Personal growth – learning, taking on something new and difficult, getting better at something.
But here’s the surprise. Edward Deci, the author of the study published in the Journal of Research in Personality, says wealth and fame lead to anxiety and unhappiness. He told a LifeScience reporter the more people achieve their extrinsic goals, the more "they tend to feel like pawns, like they’re on a treadmill running forever and they’re not really in charge of themselves."
Now I guess it’s my turn to be the wise mom. I need to talk about this with my two teenagers.
And I need to wake up every morning and try to remember it… for myself.
This entry was posted on Friday, June 26th, 2009 at 1:28 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
June 26th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
As a teenager who has lived in the protected shadow of private school for my entire life, I have rarely had to deal with anything pertaining to financial worries. That was until I joined a group called National Charity League (NCL). NCL is a mother-daughter charity organization that serves several local philanthropies by providing volunteers. One of the philanthropies that NCL serves is called North Fulton Community Charities (NFCC). Every year, around Christmas time, NFCC puts on a warm coat drive for those they serve, and every year, NCL provides volunteers for this event. Last year, I volunteered, along with one of my NCL friends, who goes to public school. While my friend and I were serving, she saw a classmate of hers, not volunteering, but waiting for a coat! My friend was caught completely off-guard; she was friends with this girl and had no idea that her parents couldn’t even afford a winter coat for the cold months ahead. I remember being simply shocked. As a private school kid, it had never occurred to me that people I had connection to don’t have exactly the same things I do. My private school bubble had allowed me to think that everyone had an iPod, everyone had Rainbows and Sperries, and of course, who didn’t have a Northface? These were such unnoticed parts of my life, until that moment. After that, I started to become more conscious of how material things are a part of my life.
With the recent economic crisis, like most people, my family has had to cut back on some things. Although the cuts have been minor, the things missing are definitely noticed: no more expensive dinners out, no spontaneous family trips to the mountains, no new purses every month. Recently, I was shopping with a friend; she “had” to get a dress for an event we were both attending, and according to her, she “had nothing to wear,” despite the fact that she has three completely FULL closets. Her mom had given her a very reasonable budget, so we tried to stick to that. We found one department store dress that I thought was “it;” that was until she could no longer resist the pull of our mutually favorite store: Anthropologie. I urged her to shop the sale rack, but too often we found ourselves saying, “Oh, you can’t wear that! So-and-so wore that to (insert event name here).” We looked around the rest of the store, and she tried on a couple of non-sale dresses. She found one that wasn’t nearly as great as the non-label dress from the department store; plus, this new one was $40 more than her budget. Her solution? She put the dress on hold and said, “I’ll get my mom to come buy it tonight.”
It is at this point that I ask: “Is there such a thing as having too much money?” My answer: YES! When given the choice between an AMAZING dress from a common store and an average dress from a more upscale counterpart, which would you choose? If it was the latter, obviously something is wrong. Why take label over look? Is it because advertisers tell us it will make us “cool” or “popular?” These are both unfulfillable promises, and I know from personal experience that the AMAZING dress will always get compliments, 98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.
This made me think back to the classmate who was getting a coat at the NFCC coat drive. She was poor and in need, but the entire time she was looking for a coat that fit, she was smiling. Why? She was joking around with her family, who were all doing the same thing. Compare this to my friend who was almost to the point of tears because she “couldn’t” find a “good” dress (that was before she persuaded me into letting her look in the non-sale section of Anthropologie, despite the fact that it wasn’t in her budget).
From all of this I learned that lacking money teaches life lessons that having money cannot. My friend wanted to look good so that people would like and admire her. People, especially the family and friends of the classmate, admired and liked the poor classmate because of her personality. It was the classmate’s personality that gained her friendships, it was her personality that gained her respect, and it was her personality that hid her family situation. What she had and which labels she wore played little to no role in her life.
June 26th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
For my junior year spring break trip, instead of going on some fancy vacation and staying in a luxurious hotel, five friends and I decided to have a vacation at home. We called it our “staycation ‘09”. We packed up our 6 suitcases and spent the entire week together, traveling from one person’s house to the next each night. All week, we stayed in shorts and t-shirts, cooked our own meals, and just hung out together. It was one of the best weeks I’ve ever had.
When we got back to school and exchanged stories with our friends, we were surprised to hear that some of our friends were jealous of our trip. Friends that had gone to exotic places, stayed in the nicest of hotels, and gotten the best souvenirs were extremely jealous of how much fun we had. We soon realized that our simple trip was way more fun than theirs; free of airports, cheesy guided tours and long hours spend walking around museums … and it brought all six of us closer together. We didn’t need anything fancy, all we needed was the chance to relax and be ourselves.
The happiness we felt came from spending time with each other, not the fancy restaurants we ate at with our parents, or the five star hotels we stayed in or the new clothes our parents bought for us. And without the pressures of grades, upcoming SATS, AP Biology tests and having the cutest clothes or fitting in- we could just hang out and have some actual fun.
June 26th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
What makes a perfect day during the summer between junior and senior year of high school? For me … my i-pod, speakers, good weather, and my best friend. As we relaxed on a blanket in the park, we talked and talked—about the rest of our summer, our fears and excitement about our quickly approaching senior year, and just life in general. Like … what’s life going to be like after graduation? Who’s going to ask us to prom? And … more importantly … WHAT ABOUT COLLEGE?! We shared music and ideas while giving each other insight on our way too similar school drama.
The happiness I felt that afternoon didn’t come from things we’d bought, but from the ease of being myself – there with my friend, not worrying about the rest of the world. When I simplify my life and take out all the excess pressure from school and parents—like will I fit in? Are my grades really good enough? Do I really have what it takes to make the team?—I often find that my happiness stems from myself and how content I am with my life.
Too many times, I see my friends talking about how money and wealth will be the key to their happiness. Even sometimes find myself so wrapped up in keeping up with what others have that I often forget my own goals and find myself attempting to buy my happiness. Like one time, all of my friends were going to a concert of a band that I had never even heard of. I ended up spending $30 on tickets just to try to fit in. The whole time I was bored and ready to go home. And at the end of the day, I was broke and miserable.
When I constantly compare myself to what others have, I only focus on my own flaws instead of all the good in my life. I’m truly the happiest when I am surrounded by my family and friends that know me the best. It’s not all my clothes and cd’s and handbags and jewelry that keep me smiling, but it’s the people that I surround myself with that make me the best possible version of myself.