Roots and Wings
By Stacey DeWitt
We’ve all seen them … some of us have been them. Parents who push their children to be the best – whether it’s Little League, the neighborhood swim team or the school play. Parents who create Mensa-worthy Science Fair projects. Parents who hire tutors so their children can excel far beyond their grade level. I naturally thought this overzealousness would fade as the children grew and gradually took back their lives. But recently I’ve seen an alarming trend — parents who write their children’s college entrance essays. Parents who call the college career resource center to get the inside scoop on internships and jobs. And most recently, parents who go on interviews with their child, and companies that actually hold special events for parents of new-hires. It’s so mind-boggling to me that I’m looking around to see if I’m being punk’d. Unfortunately, it’s no joke. They’ve been called “helicopter parents” because of the way they hover, but I think it’s worse than over-involvement; I think it’s seriously detrimental to the social, emotional and intellectual growth of our children. It really gets dangerous when these parents begin demanding special consideration when it’s their kids who lose the interview, the job or the scholarship due to their own irresponsibility. (Check out http://www.ajc.com/). That’s not just coddling; that’s a combination of entitlement and refusal to accept the consequences of one’s actions – and I believe it will be the downfall of this generation if we parents don’t get out of the way. Maybe there should be a parental Hippocratic Oath that reminds us, “First, do no harm.”
What will we do when the tables turn and it’s time for them to take care of us? How in the world are they going to support our needs when they won’t be able to take care of themselves without a life coach, personal trainer and Blackberry?
And have you ever wondered who all this is for? Who craves this level of involvement? Who needs to know potential salaries, work schedules, corner-office politics? Is it the baby-boomer parents who can’t cut the apron strings? Or is it the children who have come to expect Mom and Dad at the other end of the cell phone, doling out daily advice and platitudes? Do we think our children will thank us for our above-and-beyond participation? Or will they wake up someday and realize their lives have been orchestrated, manipulated and “smoothed-over” from the time they were pre-schoolers who went to the first day of class already knowing how to recite the alphabet and write their names?
I’m not saying the minute my children turn 18 or graduate college that they’ll find all their trophies, photos and clay bowls on the front lawn of our home. But I am saying that little by little, year by year, I need to remember to kick them a little further out of the nest, so that by the time they reach adulthood, they can make their own decisions – mistakes and all – and successfully handle life without their father or me anywhere nearby. If we don’t let our children live their lives with all of its ups and downs, how will they ever learn to believe in themselves and trust their own intuition?
There’s an old saying that “the best gifts we can give our children are roots, then wings.” And while my company, Connect with Kids, is founded on encouraging parents to DO things – talk with your child, watch a family DVD together, love and support them – right now I am encouraging parents to STOP doing things, and let our children gradually learn how to fly on their own.
This entry was posted on Monday, June 4th, 2007 at 11:05 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
June 4th, 2007 at 11:26 am
I was just having a conversation this weekend with a friend of mine. She does not have children, but she has gotten interviews for a couple of her friends’ children at her company. One was for an internship and one was for an actual job. Both of the kids were offered and took the positions, but my friend has never heard a word of thanks for the effort she put into helping. She did hear from one of the parents, though. It is scary to think that this generation needs so much help in doing the basics, and they don’t understand social niceties such as thank you notes. I know there are exceptions to that stereotype, but the exceptions are the minority. I think we have created a monster.
June 26th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
I think this message is right on target! I have seen this happen all too often and I too am guilty of sometimes being the hovering parent. I think that we as parents feel that our children’s actions are a reflection of how good of a job we are doing. Whether it be test grades, sports or just everday interactions with others, we feel judged by how they perform. I know that I, for one, have vowed to take a step back and let my kids sink or swim based on their own abilities. Granted, it is hard when you see the train wreck coming, but the only way for them to feel truly authentic about their successes or learn from their mistakes is to do it on their own. Isn’t that what we all want in the long run–self-motivated, secure and self-sufficient grown ups?
June 29th, 2007 at 9:17 pm
Wow, I haven’t heard of these “helicopter” parents before, however, I am not surprised. I am currently reading a book by Dr. Dobson titled “The New Hide or Seek”. He explains this exact thing about how parents want to have the “trophy” child. I have to admit that I could relate to some parts of the book & because of that, I felt it was an eye opener.
If you read my comments in the above article “If the world were run by teenagers”, you can see more of my take about kids learning to be responsible. I totally agree w the fact that many of todays kids are NOT being taught responsibility, which in turn, can make for a rough adult life. It seems to be an epidemic! Just last week, one of my kids had a 10 yr old friend over who said “chores? what are chores?” Sadly, he wasn’t kidding. I see it all around and I am not kidding when I say that I would put my 6 yr olds chore list up to most 13 yr olds chore list now a day. And my 6 yr olds chores are age appropriate!! I think many parents fall into the trap of feeling guilty by expecting their children to participate around the house or to get consistant discipline. Today, their are so many dual income families and the parents end up only having a few hours to spend w their children each day. Who wants to spend that limited time putting too many demands on the child, right? I think these parents are worried that their child will feel unloved if the parents have too high of expectations on them… when in fact, if the parents do NOT have high expectations, it will only hurt their dear child in the long run. It will also cause much more frustration on the parents part during the teenage years. I’m sure it’s tough, parents just want to provide a non argumentive, loving environment. They THINK they are doing the best thing they can as parents manybe. However, lack of discipline and responsibility to a child, only backfires on the parent and sadly, on the childs future!
Now, I have to admit that in the life of my kids as children, I do tend to hoover. I watch and listen and interfere plenty… but all of this is done during their childhood. I have no intention of continuing this into their adult life! I feel kids need healthy, loving hoovering for guidance but as they move into their pre-teen yrs and beyond, they should start being well able to make wise choices w/out Mom or Dad envolved so much. Now once they are 16, we will obviously give them much more space and in doing so, they will have to learn from their own mistakes. (I remember when I was 17, I ended up in jail overnight due to being w the wrong crowd and joining in on leaving a restaurant w/out paying. Many parents would have bailed their child out, but my parents didn’t. It was a valuable lesson & I’m glad now, that they made me suffer the consequences of my own actions. Had they not, maybe I wouldn’t be who I am today). Ultimately, our goal is to expect them to be on their own (except when they ask for our advice) by the age of 18. I cannot imagine going w them on an interview or calling their boss if they don’t get hired or if they get fired. I suppose parents who don’t stop over catering to their children… to their teens… to their adult children… better be prepared to have adult children who EXPECT their parents to financially bail them out whenever needed. How sad.
July 18th, 2007 at 3:49 pm
When I was a senior in High School, I couldn’t belive that parents were writing their children’s essays. I had a friend who’s parents wanted him to go to UGA, so they wrote the essay for him. Other students don’t think that they’re good enough writers, so they ask their parents to write their essays for them. In my family, I wrote the essay and they edited it. We worked as a team. I personally believe that that’s the best way for parents and kids to work together. My parents know so much more than I do because they have been through many more experiences. There were times when I wanted my parents to do everything for me, but now that I’m getting older, I realize that I have to do things for myself.
I can belive that parent’s take their children to interviews, but it’s amazing that companies hold special events for parents of new-hires. Some parents live through their children’s lives for various reasons, but there comes a point when each child has to grow up and learn how to live on their own…unless, of course, they want to be living with their parents when they’re 30.
I appreciate how much support my parents give me. They’re always there to teach me new things and support me through my endevors. However parents need to know that there are some things that kids need to do on their own. We do get bigger and grow, even though I can’t believe that I’m going to be 20 this year! As difficult as it is, let your kids go out on their own. Your kids are never going to learn and become mature, young adults if you don’t. They’ll come back when they need to, and you’ll always be their parents. Continue to encourage them to excell and exceed their expectations. Let them set their dreams and achieve them; it will be that much better – for the both of you – when they do.
February 25th, 2008 at 1:42 am
This is so true!
We encourage the parents in our program to be involved with their kids, but not by doing things the kids should be doing for themselves.
Instead, we teach parents to respect their kids’ capabilities, and to work side by side with their kids to build something real, something worthy of respect by other adults.
There are dozens of examples of young kids who started businesses before they were old enough to have a regular job – from Ben Casnocha, whose Grade 6 social studies project became Comcate, Inc, requiring him to juggle high school with being CEO of a public company, and Ashley Qualls, whose hobby of making MySpace backgrounds now earns her over $70,000 per month, and she’s not yet 18, all the way down to David Wilkinson making $500 per month from his blog at age 13, and small enterprises like Sadie Zavgren’s doyoulikemyhats.com, that make a few hundred dollars a year.
These kids all had access to resources provided by their parents (like computers, and sometimes transport, or start-up money), but their parents didn’t tell them what to do, or force them along a pre-planned path decided by the parents.
They were allowed to grow and flower as individuals, and make their own unique contribution to the world.
When we hover, we smother.
Can you imagine what would have happened if the parents of these kids had been “helicopter parents”?
Nothing remarkable, that’s for sure.
Jenny Ford
http://www.cash-smart-kids.com
Blogging at http://www.raisingentrepreneurs.org